Tag Archives: Never Again

March For Our Lives

“You can’t cast too many Blacks in one film. Nobody will watch.”

“It’s just how it is.” 

“It’s an absolute truth.”

As a child (born in 1958) growing up in a film industry family, I heard this “absolute truth” from the experts — writers, directors, producers, actors, costume designers. Although everyone I knew seemed to agree, I was puzzled. I remember asking what the difference was between an all-Caucasian cast and an all-any-other-racial-heritage cast. I didn’t understand why the industry, brimming with creativity, insisted on following the herd regarding this specific convention. Some expressed regret, so I asked why they didn’t do something to change it. Their answer was always a variation of “It’s-Just-How-It-Is.”

With its rocketing success, the film Black Panther has rewritten that “absolute truth” of my childhood. Of course, several other films have already shown this “truth” to be nowhere close to “absolute.” Black Panther is a strong and timely reminder that “absolute truths” should always be questioned. As a kid, I was also told that an all-female cast wouldn’t work, that if actors came out as gay their careers would grind to an abrupt halt, that females needed to be frighteningly skinny because everyone looks heavier on film and “nobody likes a girl with a fat ass” (a quote from an actor, at a dinner party, which drew raucous approval from men and women alike). I was told these “absolute truths” would “never change.”

Even the most decent adults can get bogged down in business analysis, lulled by the familiarity of convention, and lose track of the purity of an idea. Claudette Colvin was 15 years old in 1955, when she was arrested in Montgomery, Alabama, for refusing to give up her seat on a bus. Malala Yousafzai was in her teens when she was shot in the head, and lived to become a voice for females and education worldwide. Emma Gonzalez — a survivor of the February 14, 2018, high school shooting in Parkland, Florida — has catapulted the #NeverAgain movement to unprecedented levels. Naomi Wadler was 11 years old when she took the stage on March 24, 2018, and stunned the nation with her eloquence in support of Black lives. Samantha Fuentes, wounded at the Parkland shooting, showed us that vomiting onstage can be an act of inspirational courage.

It’s-Just-How-It-Is can’t stop the Claudettes or the Malalas or the Emmas or the Naomis or the Samanthas. Sometimes we need young voices to remind us of the power of decency — hearts and minds unburdened by cost-benefit analysis, less tied to socio-cultural infrastructures. Until February 13, 2018, school shootings were “just how it is.” After February 14, 2018, with several killed and wounded at Margery Stoneman Douglas High School, It’s-Just-How-It-Is transformed into Never-Again.

Young people are rewriting our absolutes. They’re today’s self-evident truths and tomorrow’s inalienable rights. They’re our nation’s We-The-People, leading us as we renew our vows to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They’re our future and our now.


Filed under Black Lives Matter, Black Panther, Claudette Colvin, Emma Gonzalez, Film Industry Values, Malala, March For Our Lives, Naomi Wadler, Parkland Shooting, Samantha Fuentes, Uncategorized

Thoughts, Prayers, Never Again

During my 25 years as a therapist, I found that couples spoke in code. Nicknames, for example, often radiated unspoken layers of intimacy. When couples referred to each other by nicknames, they were reaching out their hands, a code for reconnecting. At other times in the course of a treatment, couples used code phrases to highlight their struggles. For instance, some said “I’m listening,” or “I hear you,” or “I want to understand” — and then their eyes glazed with a subtle film of distance as they emotionally checked out. For those folks, their phrases were codes for “I’m dismissing you.”

Throughout Donald Trump’s reign, I watched a parallel process emerge with mass shootings. A massacre would take place leaving people dead, wounded, traumatized. And what happened next? “Thoughts and prayers” — peppered through speeches, all over social media.  “Thoughts-and-prayers” became a code phrase with the rough translation: “Let them pitch a fit, then they’ll lose momentum, then we can go back to ignoring the issue.”

I’m a strong supporter of thoughts and prayers. The capacity to think is a human gift. Prayers reflect belief systems which guide folks through this baffling world. However, the phrase “thoughts and prayers” has become the opposite of genuine thoughts and prayers. Those words have devolved into a brush off. Every time students are murdered in school, every time a bomb explodes in a public place, every time a mosque or a church or a synagogue is attacked, every time Black people are treated as though their lives don’t matter, every time racism is the underlying motivation for a violent crime, every time a person on the LGBTQ+ spectrum is assaulted, every time someone opens fire — all are followed by hailstorms of “thoughts and prayers” — which are then followed by nothing. “Thoughts-and-prayers” has emerged as our country’s newest code phrase for “I’m dismissing you.”

In my sessions as a therapist, I found that each couple had a unique code. When we cracked their specific code, then our work reached a new level. Going forward, I called a time out when those dismissive phrases were used. As we continued, couples learned to recognize the signs of disconnecting, and they called their own time outs. As their therapy progressed, they developed a healthy intolerance for being brushed off, and their dismissive code phrases tapered. They worked together, as a team, to set up a healthier set of emotional constructs. They felt stronger and safer, committed to repeating their mistakes Never Again.

Now our country needs to do the same. Donald Trump is no longer our president, but the mindset persists. #NeverAgain can make school shootings happen Never Again only when gun control becomes an issue of basic safety, not partisan politics. I write for the day when our country reinstates true thoughts and prayers — combined with integrity, laced with justice, founded on common sense.



Filed under Never Again, Parkland, Thoughts And Prayers, Uncategorized